“When I’m quiet, that’s when the truth emerges.” – Louise Gluck
What if I take each day as it comes, without agenda, without expectation that it will deliver something good, something fun, something to win over, something to “show for? What if each day is just a day, a day that I pass through, breathe in the air, exhaling out what is not needed, seeing objects as they come into my view, and letting them leave when their time is up?
What if I stop searching for something, a feeling, a knowing, a certainty, anything that soothes and imparts an imprint in my body and mind? As I sit here quietly by myself, I realize that is what I do every day. I search. I subconsciously grade a day as if it were in need of a test of worthiness. Yes, it was a great day. No, the day was a total loss. Yes, I win the day. No this day brings me down, etc etc etc.
A day is just a day. I am not even awake all of 24 hours. On average, I sleep fitfully for about 6 hours give or take each night. That leaves me with 18 hours of awake time during which I do truly look for a cerebral kick even without knowing. Even reading a poem for example. When at the end of the poem, I go away with “I got it” or “That line was awesome”, my hungry stimulant seeking neurons will stop searching for another kick, at least for a while.
I admit it. I am a pleasure seeking junkie. Not in the way of doing drugs or drinking or sex or anything like that. Just in mundanity of every day life. Some thing needs to sparkle a little; it needs to impart some form of celebration in my brain, or I feel glum or let down. Is it because these days when on the internet everyone else is doing something amazing, at least on appearance? Is this why I feel I need some form of highlight reel every day? That is utterly a ridiculous way to live. Our ancestors certainly never expected their days to have instagram-like moments. If they don’t get eaten by a sabertooth tiger, they probably considered it a win.
So, since today is designated by me as “What if” Wednesday, I think as an experiment, I should treat tomorrow without any agenda. It will be just a day. Not for me to set expectations on. Just let the day be.