self-image. There are days, like today, I hate every part of me and I resist my reality to the extreme. I am getting older and my body shows it, it knows it. For example I just came back from a yoga class, where instead of finding my Yin, I became deeply sad and depressed about my body. When I say body, I mean every inch of it, from the tip of my hair to the edge of my toe nail. I hate every bit of it. This aliveness that holds me up, carries me around every moment of my life is being subjected to abject hate by the person living in it. Why? Because the mind saw the pretty young girls in Lululemon yoga pants. Because the mind knows this body has the soft belly, the weak thighs, the wrinkles around the eyes. How the body does not fit into the mind’s perception of perfection!
You would think at my age, lack of beauty should not bring a woman down to her knees. But it does. The little skinny girl of childhood always lurks inside me, she is still hearing the taunts, the name calling, feeling the constant need to prove her worthiness. No one has ever told her she is enough when her being alive is enough.
But then at what point in one’s life one has to get over the scars of childhood? I know what Tara Brach would say. She would say, tell myself, “awww I am feeling this sadness,” without judging or what she called “second arrow” and to give the little girl love, to put a hand over my heart and imagine hugging this little girl, who had to try so hard to be accepted, to be validated as worthy for whatever reason, and tell her “I love you sweet heart”. And do this over and over without judging, without analyzing the emotions. Do this every day as many times as I need.
The truth is and I know this deep down, even if there is not a single person in this world who thinks she is not enough (there is plenty though in fact), I love her enough, I know she is enough. How many women have felt this way? How many of us need to be reminded to peel this “reality” filter over my eyes, and know this truth. What feels real is not the truth, Tara Brach has said.
This truth is bigger and freer once I step outside of my head.