When I speak passionately,that’s when I’m least to be trusted.– Louis Gluck
Today I need to practice the mantra “Forgiven, forgiven” heard in one of the talks of Tara Brach. Now is the opportunity to be “let be”. Feel the tightness, the perpetual squeeze inside my chest, the emptiness, the ache and the longing. I’ve been longing all my life as if a sunflower sprouted in the darkest corner of a cellar, leaning toward the path of the sun. I am never at ease. Always trying to get somewhere. To work. To home. To “self-improvement.” To love. Now I am learning that this longing is the longing to my true self, my capacity to bloom as a full-fledge flower. This is the yearning for awakeness, my acceptance of who I am, the capacity for freeness one is born with. What this moment presents: I am now given a crack in the thick wall around me to peer outside of my told-stories. I long to belong to me. To feel at home in my own skin. This body I am in. This mind that narrates earnestly with passion but stories are not real. There is no need to stretch and strain to belong. I already belong to me. I already belong to this world, this beautiful connected thread. Forgiven, forgiven. For being given a body that does what a body does, a mind that wanders, a self that focuses on itself, I am forgiven forgiven. Feel compassion for the self’s pain, her fear, her relentless search for a place to call home. I am home. All is forgiven, forgiven. Let this moment be. Let this fear be named as fear. Let whispers be gentle. Speak to the little girl who feels lonely, alone, ugly, unworthy, inadequate, needing a place to let the breath out. I am home. I belong. My future awake self knows. Loves. This moment. Forgiven, forgiven.