More college fairs this week. And I’m feeling emptier and emptier by the day. The clock is ticking louder and faster. My girl is leaving the nest in less than two years. Today we filled out the college fair registration form and although she doesn’t yet know what she wants to major in or what size university she wants to go, she knows for sure she must be as far away from home as possible. “I want to experience outside of Midwest,” is what she said.
But, I said, feeling the knees starting to go weak, “How could I see you on the weekends? You can’t come home as often as you want to!”
“Yes, I know,” she said and happily walked out of my bedroom.
And I felt my world starting to crack at the foundation. She will not be here in two years. The thought finally sinks and my chest hurts from this realization.
As far as I know we get along well. I no more annoy her than the usual mother to daughter annoyance. Our home is full of laughter and love. We are in harmony most of the times which is astounding considering two American teens and a very strong willed Asian mother residing in this house.
But my girl is fascinated by different cultures and languages; the others’ way of living, the different air they breathe, food they eat. She would love to experience West Coast and East Coast she said. Would love to go to England to study if she could, Would love to go travel in Asia or live there.
I am fiercely proud of her. She’s a hardworking good hearted girl who views the world with untainted eyes. I hope she will go to a university which will allow her to reach her potential and exceeds her expectation. I hope it will educate her, excite her to learn, help her look at the world with the same outlook but with more knowledge and broad mindedness. A place where she will form lifelong friends and cherish memories forever.
And I was hoping this place is not a thousand miles away. Maybe a few hours of drive time.
I don’t know what will come her way yet but this is an exciting and nail biting time. She stays up late studying every day. She’s involved in after school activities and volunteers her time for community and her school.
I will always worry about her though. And I will want to be in the same town where I could hop over to do laundry for her if she ever asks. But letting them fly on their own so that they will be better at flight requires letting them go.
Knowing this does not alleviate my empty heart pains however. I feel like I haven’t even learned how to be a parent properly yet but my time together with her under the same roof is coming to an end. Life is too fast. I keep saying this a lot as if this mantra will stretch it somehow.
A hard road in front of me when I’ll have to learn how to be on my own, unneeded for laundry, meals and scattered advice.